


Zombie Combo

by D_0keshi



Category: Naruto
Genre: Gore, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-07
Updated: 2017-01-07
Packaged: 2018-09-15 10:33:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9230984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/D_0keshi/pseuds/D_0keshi
Summary: What if Hidan and Kakuzu never died, basically.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this idea for ages and I had to write it down so :3c
> 
> I think the only big change to canon here is that they're still alive lmao.  
> I might just add some small changes while I'm writing.

A man dressed in a white hood and a black cloak ambled along a pathway winding through a dimly lit forest. Over his mouth he wore grey fabric to cover the mess of stitches that was his mouth and in his left hand he clutched a brown suitcase.  
His demeanour was oddly relaxed, despite the given situation and his significantly weakened state.

After all, losing several hearts took its toll on a guy. An old guy, too.  
He'd lost more than a few extra organs though.  
His partner, the reassurance that had come with his so called "immortality" and just a pinch of his pride too.  
The Akatsuki were dropping like flies at this point, and there was a good chance he'd already lost said partner as well.] Not that it mattered, the fact the organisation didn't lend their assistance when the two were defeated was indication enough that they didn't give a rat's ass.

As it turned out, Hidan's immortality was conditional. He needed to eat.  
And being dismembered and immobile several feet underground surely got in the way of that.  
Thats where Mr Frankenstein (better known as just Kakuzu) came in.  
Out of the kindness of his now singular heart he'd come all the way out here to retrieve Hidan.  
That only left one problem.  
He didn't know exactly where he was.  
Kakuzu was unfazed by this nonetheless. An idiot would be able to tell he was there when they arrived.

The Yugakure ninja went out with quite literally a bang.

His dull footsteps came to an abrupt stop in a small clearing.  
Kakuzu inspected the area with glacial eyes.  
Large chunks of earth were scattered along the forest floor, not to mention patches of scorched grass. Trees were uprooted and he even noticed a shred of paper, most definitely the remains of a paper bomb.  
He was almost concerned really.

Kakuzu set down his suitcase and rolled up his sleeve to reveal his arm,  
criss-crossed with stitches and even two black lines going around the width of his fore arm.  
An indication of his time in prison.

The gravely black threads of his Kinjutsu freed themselves from his skin until they were an odd length and in alarming numbers.  
The Akatsuki knelt down to press his palm against the ground and they shot into it without so much as a crack.  
For a moment everything was silent and all he could hear was the chirping of birds and the wind tousling leaves. Then there was a loud rumble and the ground beneath him shook.  
Several boulders sprang free of the earth and landed with heavy smacks, sending tremors throughout the forest floor.  
In the process of digging away the debris there was a good chance the wires impaled Hidan, but there was also a good chance he was dead anyway.

Hopefully not. That would be a waste of precious time.

He would say the hardest part was over, but that would be false. The hardest part was about to begin.  
He got to his feet with a grunt and for what felt like a lifetime he simply stared at the open crater.

If Kakuzu wasn't as cold as ice you might think he was nervous, God forbid.

Finally the man exhaled slowly and shuffled forward. He probably should've been ready for the sight he was about to lay eyes on.

Looking down, he immediately locked eyes with (one) of Hidan's.

His body was an utter mess, and it would take more than just a few stitches to fix whatever it was he was looking at.

With no boulders to cover his mangled body, the gruesome sight was out in the open for anyone to eyeball as they pleased.  
What used to be his Akatsuki cloak was now a few petty scraps of fabric lying over the parts of his anatomy that were, apparently, unscathed.  
And there weren't many.  
The platinum blondes head was tilted far to one side as a result of a deep gash in the side of his neck. Dry blood was splattered all over his sickly white skin like some morbid painting and if Kakuzu strained his eyes he could even see his tendons.  
Disgusting.

His left leg was bent from the knee in an unnatural angle and shreds of his pants had been torn off, leaving dark purple bruises on the parts of his legs that were visible.  
Kakuzu didn't see any major damage to the right leg, but that didn't mean it was fine either.

The area around his mouth was completely covered in blood, and his mouth itself was hanging open in the way a thirsty dogs might be.  
One arm was slung over his face to cover an eye. It was heavily bruised. The other simply lay at his side.  
There were bags under the eye Kakuzu could see and the eye itself looked dull and lifeless.  
He looked like a skeleton. His former physique, fit and muscular, was no more.  
He could easily count each rib.  
The guy was missing a little skin as well.  
The icing to the horrifying cake.

The younger Akatsuki gave a humourless cackle.

"Took you long enough." He croaked, forcing his chapped lips into a twisted smile.

Kakuzu ignored his idiotic greeting and got straight to stating facts.

"You look terrible."

"No thanks to you..and your slow ass." He went on to make a breathless noise resembling laughter.

Kakuzu grunted and calculated his next action. He should probably be careful about handling his partner, that being said it wouldn't kill him. He just really really really needed to eat.  
But being rough about it would only get him a bunch of bitching and moaning in return. And THAT he could do without.  
He outstretched his hand and it detached from the rest of his arm, winding its way down into the crater. The wires inside his arm were long enough to wrap around Hidan's body, and thats exactly what they did.

Kakuzu took several steps back and hauled him out of the pit.  
Hidan crumpled like a stack of cards.  
He kneeled on one leg while he held the other with his good hand, cursing under his breath.

"Lie down." Kakuzu advised in a lukewarm tone.

Hidan shot him a glare before returning his attention to his twisted limbs.  
Kakuzu narrowed his eyes and reattached his arm, rolling his sleeve back down.

"Do you want my help or not." He mumbled.

Hidan made a deeply frustrated scoff.

"That brat fucked me up good. I'm pretty sure even you can't…" The young man trailed off as if just realising the state he was in. 

His eye fluttered shut and after a relatively awkward few seconds he fell back, akin to a rag doll. 

"Thats what I thought."

Kakuzu dropped to the ground and crossed his legs. He placed a hand on Hidan's forehead as the stitches came undone once more and weaved their way through the open wound on his neck.  
Hidan scrunched up his face but said nothing.  
Kakuzu's hard gaze softened ever so slightly and he moved his attention to the deep gashes in his left arm.

"I told you to be careful." The Akatsuki maffled, creasing his forehead.

This would take a while.  
Kakuzu's disappointed tone only seemed to aggravate Hidan more. That didn't come as a surprise, even if it annoyed Kakuzu that he didn't have the decency to show a little gratitude. 

"Keh.I don't need to be careful, I have Jashin-sama on my side."

"Jashin didn't drag you out of a hole because you were too self assured to use your head."

That left him scrambling for a response. He opened his mouth to snap out a witty reply but found he had nothing to justify his actions with and simply closed it again.  
Kakuzu cracked a wry smile. Unbeknownst to Hidan.  
He sighed dramatically and forced both his eyes open. It came to Kakuzu's attention that his left eye was red and the pupil seemed a little crosseyed.  
Everything was on the left side, it seemed.

"Thanks." He forced out through gritted teeth.

"Hm." The stitches abated the task of closing up the wounds on his arm and he fixed his gaze on Hidan's face once more.

"Don't make me..say it again dickhead." He stared straight ahead and furrowed his eyebrows.

The sullen expression he was suddenly wearing caught his partner off guard and he simply quirked an eyebrow.  
Instead of making this any weirder by inquiring into what was wrong he started his work on the left leg.  
Yikes.

"Seriously. What took you so long? I was starting to think… I was boned." Hidan gulped thickly and let out a shaky breath.

Kakuzu made a mental note to get him something to eat asap.

"Your legs broken." He said slowly.  
He wasn't in the mood for a heart to heart with Hidan.

Hidan smiled again, if only out of resentment. 

"I'm not that stupid Kakuzu."

"I can't fix that."

"I heal fast." 

"Doesn't look like it." 

The platinum blonde bit his lip and gave him a incredulous stare.

"It's kinda HARD...when you're crushed under a bunch of dirt!"

Kakuzu didn't respond. He shuffled back and pulled his suitcase into his lap, proceeding to swing it open and pull out a water pouch.  
Hidan shot up snatched it out of his hands.  
The way he struggled to frantically tear the lid off and fill his dry mouth with water was almost amusing to watch, if not a little sad.  
He finally pried the lid off and tilted his head back to quench his thirst.

He pulled a food pill out of his cloak and held it flat out in his palm, waiting for Hidan to finish his assault on the water pouch and take it.  
Not surprisingly, it wasn't long before it was empty and he was angrily shaking it in a feeble attempt to prompt a few more drops of liquid from it.

"Hidan." He finally said when it was clear he was adamant on completely quenching his thirst. 

He barely deigned to giving him a glance before taking it out of his hand and cracking it open between his teeth.  
Well.  
Now that that was covered.  
Something about sitting where they currently were and engaging in friendly banter  
didn't strike Kakuzu as very appealing. At all.

The question was how he was supposed to get Hidan off his malnourished ass without resorting to something humiliating. 

Kakuzu decided to stop thinking ahead for once and shifted his gaze to what he immediately recognised as Hidan's scythe.  
A little battered, but it was there nonetheless.  
He sighed and got up again. Kakuzu shuffled over to where it was nestled between two bushes and picked it up. He looked it up and down briefly before deciding he really didn't give a damn what condition it was in.  
Hidan wasn't exactly in the position to complain.

It was a near miracle Kakuzu had even decided to do this for him.  
He would of lost count of all the time he needed to save the guys ass.  
If he had been counting.

He should really start charging him for it, actually. Easy money.

The old geezer turned on his heel and sauntered back until he was standing over Hidan.  
He didn't so much as acknowledge how nice Kakuzu was being considering he was the one who fucked up again. The platinum blonde simply let out a short gasp and took his precious weapon, running his fingertips down the length of it and furrowing his eyebrows.

"I bet you fucked it up like this huh!" He eventually said, sounding 100% serious.

Kakuzu frowned.

"Why would I do that. It would only disadvantage us." He paused for a moment before continuing his tepid response. "Guess you're as dumb as ever."

 

Well that did it. He'd probably just dump Hidan somewhere and come back later. Or not, really depended on how he felt.  
And so far Hidan's chances were not very good.  
The Akatsuki scowled, tightening his grip on the weapon's handle.  
Kakuzu grunted and turned his back on him. He retrieved his suitcase and started his leisurely stroll out in search of somewhere to leave the guy.

"If I'm dumb how come I knew you would come back?" Hidan sneered contemptuously.

Kakuzu stopped walking in a trice and clenched his fist before lifting it and hardening the skin to emphasise the threat he was about to make.

"Shut up or I'll kill you."

Luckily, Hidan seemed to be intelligent enough to know this time he could actually pull it off.  
Just throw him back in the ditch and leave him there.  
He knew Kakuzu would do it, too.  
Even to him the guy was cold as ice.  
Maybe not as cold as he initially thought, but cold all the same.  
To Hidan, his killing was completely justified, and at least there was a decent reason behind it.  
Kakuzu's only motivation for anything was money.  
Which was why it was still a mystery as to why he'd bother coming back.

Conclusion; Kakuzu as a person was just a general fucking mystery.

In spite of the casual reminder, Hidan found himself grinning. Something about annoying Kakuzu made him giddy.  
It was kinda cute.  
Y'know, in a terrifying way.  
Eventually, his arm dropped back to his side and the skin returned to its natural colour. He sniffed before continuing to walk.

"And wipe that lousy look off your face."

"W-wait. Kakuzu, where are you going? You're not gonna just leave me here, right? My legs broken! Gimme some help here!" The younger male forced out a nervous laugh.

Kakuzu didn't respond.  
Hidan sighed melodramatically and used the scythe as a brace of sorts to get to his feet before frantically hopping after his partner.

This eventually got too bothersome for Kakuzu because it only made the bitchy whining from Hidan ten times worse than the usual.  
Which was pretty ironic for someone who got off to stabbing himself in the gut.  
By the time they got out of the cluster of trees Kakuzu was more than a little sick of all the talk.  
He turned a little and stopped walking to let Hidan catch up.  
And then he held out his suitcase.

"Hold it."

Hidan quirked an eyebrow.

"Look, it's not like I'm not grateful, saved my fuckin' life or..whatever. But don't you think you're pushing it a bit?"

Kakuzu pushed it straight into his chest and narrowed his eyes until they were practically just slits in his face.

"I said take it." He growled.

Hidan deflated like a balloon but gave in and tentatively took it in his free hand.  
Kakuzu stared at him for a long while before he groaned and detached his hands from his arms. Hidan blinked, looking completely lost.  
What an idiot.  
He continued to let the threads in his arms grow in length for a few extra seconds before he used one arm to wrap them around his legs, and the other wrapped around his chest.  
Kakuzu scooped him up and turned, holding his arms out and keeping Hidan as far away from his own body as he could while still making it comfortable for himself.  
Which, unfortunately, wasn't quite far enough.

He'd just have to deal until they got to wherever it was they were headed.  
They kind of had a lot to catch up on anyway.

For a second it looked like Hidan might protest, but instead he burst into his trade mark obnoxious laughter.

"Holy shit!Do you know how stupid you look right now?! I knew you had a heart! Which is funny 'cause you actually have like six or something. You still got those? Did those pussies steal them off of you-"

"I'll drop you."

"No you won't! You can't say shit like that anymore, man. The truths out, you're exposed. You like me, admit it, Kakuzu-chann~"

"JUST SHUT UP HIDAN."

**Author's Note:**

> Zombie combie. 
> 
> Hidan seemed to act pretty bipolar when it came to how he felt about his partner??  
> Or just generally  
> Either way I wanted to do this real bad.
> 
> Sorry if theres anything wrong with it I wrote this @ two in the morning.
> 
> I'll go back to working on my other fic now.


End file.
